We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
