Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
