Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
