Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
