i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
