if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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