she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
