Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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