We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
