I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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