Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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