i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
