I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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