allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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