I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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