I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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