I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
