I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
These tits shall not be calmed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
