I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
