i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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