fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
