Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
