i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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