maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
