This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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