: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
