So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
