Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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