I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
