I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
