I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My penis needs a shock collar
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
