his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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