Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
