My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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