first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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