Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
