Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
