im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
