Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
