Plan B is the new Plan A
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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