Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
