onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
