it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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