How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
