When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
