i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
