I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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