I accidentally burped into my bong.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
