I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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