I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
