i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
